Struggling

I sit here tonight writing with such a heavy heart. I have worked for NCDOT for 20 years! Yep, thats a long time! 10 more years to go before I can retire. You would think I would be happy about that but I'm not. Right now, with the stress and strain and the back stabbing that is taking place within those walls, I question if I will survive another 10 years. I have witnessed so much throat cutting and backstabbing that it saddens me that it is taking place at all....some of it has been done to me and I just can't figure out WHY....why anyone has to experience this. There are supvr. that lie about instructions they have given employees and allow those employees to be "raked over the coals" by another supvr. Or one supvr isnot content with how you have handled a certain job (one that you have never done before and not been trained) and when the complaint comes in to your supvr. he prints off a copy of the e-mail he received and lays it on your desk for you to "find" and handle....not saying the first word of advice or even attempt to train you in something you haven't done before. Heck, I stressed out today over the fact that I had been corresponding with a clients attorney through the mail instead of face to face...his decision, not mine....yet, I'm in a panic that I will get written up because of not talking face to face. This man has asked to do everything via mail...but in our management, you won't get a chance to explain that theory.

I want out! I truly want out! I would love to have a job to walk right into but there is nothing right now and I just don't think I can keep on enduring the MESS going on around that office. I don't like to quit anything but I can honestly say I have TRIED but I am about to fold! The disappointment in co-workers actions has just thrown me for a loop. I don't understand people at all! Last night I got on my knees and prayed for God to take this situation and handle it for me and to give me insight as to what I needed to do. Yep, I asked for SIGNS - BIG SIGNS to point me in the RIGHT direction. There actually were several signs today and they all were for me to leave.....I'm human, I second guess myself. I do ask God to forgive me for that and to continue working on me and for me! I do have the faith that HE will take care of things. I am just scared to death to put one foot in front of the other and take that step of faith! I'm trying! I just want to do the right thing for my family and myself. However, I have been told that once I get away from all the stress and strain I will be a different person.....my family may actually LIKE me again - LOL! So, who knows.

Can I ask you all to pray for me? Please do!! I am struggling! I am also looking for other jobs, so if you know of anything, could you please tell me about the opportunity!? If you know of anything, you can e-mail the information to me at starlawhitley@ctc.net ........I mainly ask for prayer! THANK YOU for that most powerful "medicine"! I also ask for prayer for my co-workers.....the ones suffering AND the ones causing the pain. I pray for their heart and for them to remember how they use to feel when they were treated this way by others....I want to scream at them and say DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHEN???? Thanks for listening to be vent/whine/scream/cry.....so many emotions all rolled up into one but I do realize that I am in need of STRONG prayer!! Thank you! Until Later!!